Turning Loneliness to Godliness: A free chapter from my book

grief & faith grieving Aug 22, 2021

by David Knapp

 

How I found strength and wisdom to survive loss and do it well:


    “I don’t know how you do it. You have lost two wives and you seem
to be doing so well,” came the familiar statements. Following Judith’s
death many people made similar comments to me. Some remarks
came as simple observations while other people were genuinely
seeking answers.


In this chapter I will be taking the liberty to lay out the thinking process
and worldview I have developed in the course of my life and freely
explain how that all affected my grieving process. My family
background, personal experiences, logic, religious beliefs and the
message of the Bible all come into play to determine how I
approached and responded to tragedy. It has been my observation
that most people default to these things when they hurt.


My earnest prayer is that the truths laid out will be a help to you as
you face your own losses, and as you help those who come across
your path who are hurting from loss.

 

THE BIBLE

It was a blessing from God and huge privilege to be born into a strong
family who had a deep belief in God based on His Word, the Bible. I
didn’t do anything special to be born where I was. However, the
mindset, beliefs and teachings of my family and church were
fundamental in establishing my worldview of life and death. The family
heritage I acquired held to an established belief in the God of the Bible
that went back several generations on both sides of my family. I not
only heard the message of the Bible from my parents but from my
grandparents and aunts and uncles as well.

 


CHOICES
So, if family and the geographical location in which one is born are vital in how one processes grief, why is it that not everyone who has these benefits processes grief well? Because included in the mix are the personal choices of each individual. Simply being exposed to a belief system, whether through family or by culture, is only the beginning. Your personal choices and convictions are what activate those teachings and messages.


THE NEED
The core truth of the Bible that my mom taught me revolved around
God creating man to have a close relationship with Him. As the
Creator of the universe, God chose to only have this personal
relationship with mankind. Since God represents and is everything just
and good, a relationship with Him had to revolve around what He is
like. The first man created, Adam, broke that bond by doing something
contrary to God. He disobeyed a command, consequently breaking
the created relationship between God and mankind. Since He is
everything just and good, God set forth a plan to fix the broken
relationship. He promised this plan and then executed it by sending
Jesus, His Son, to live a perfect life among men and women and then
die, making the restoration of that relationship with God the Father
possible. He decided it would be a gift to be received by faith. Anyone
who rejected God’s plan through Jesus would spend eternity after they
died separated from God.


My mom showed me places in the Bible that clearly explained this.
Thankfully, she also made it clear that I was required to make a choice
about God’s gift through Jesus for myself. She pointed out that my
core relationship with God wasn’t broken just because I was a bad boy
once in a while, but that I needed to respond to God’s message
because I was born needing it. She read to me from the Bible,
“Therefore, as through one man’s offense judgment came to all men,
resulting in condemnation…” (Romans 5.18). Adam’s “offense” was
passed on to every human born thereafter, making a personal
response by each individual a requirement. Not believing in God’s
plan for restoration seals the judgment. “He who believes in Him
[Jesus] is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned
already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten
Son of God” (John 3.18).

 


THE PROVISION

As a child, I enjoyed Christmas as much as any other kid. We were
humble economically and I remember times when there was only a
single gift for each of us. However, Mom and my church teamed up to
help me see a bigger picture. Christmas was the celebration of the
coming of Jesus to earth in order to accomplish God’s plan to restore
mankind to a right relationship with Him. I enjoyed hearing the stories
of Jesus’ life in my Sunday school classes at church. They explained
that the purpose for Jesus becoming a man was for Him to die for the
wrongs things performed by all mankind. “… that Christ died for our
sins according to the Scriptures, and that He was buried, and that He
rose again the third day according to the Scriptures, and that He was
seen of Cephas, then by the twelve” (1 Corinthians 15.3-5).

We can know that God, in turn, accepted the work of Jesus’ death as payment
for all our violations of God’s nature because He raised Him from the
dead. “… God … promised before through His prophets in the Holy
Scriptures, concerning His Son Jesus Christ our Lord, … and declared
to be the Son of God with power according to the Spirit of holiness, by
the resurrection from the dead” (Romans 1.1-4).

 

MY FIRST RESPONSE
My mom read the Bible to my brother and me every night she could
before we went to bed. When I was seven years old, she told us one
night that the Billy Graham Crusade was on TV and that if we were
good while she read the Bible we could stay up a little longer and
listen to the music part. Well, I wasn’t so good and was sent to bed.
While my brother watched the music, I was in bed alone, thinking.
Mom came in and found me crying. “I don’t want to go to hell when I
die,” I blurted out through my tears. Mom reviewed again that all I
needed to do was believe on Jesus for myself and God would restore
my relationship with Him and that Jesus’ death and resurrection would
pay for all my wrongs against Him. I did that. I knew from that time on
that upon my physical death, I would spend all of eternity in the
presence of God the Father. I would go to heaven.

 

THE EVIL

The problem with the evil in my heart had been resolved before God,
to be sure. It didn’t mean that I didn’t still blow it from time to time.
Mom knew that for sure! However, she was faithful to continue to
expand my knowledge about evil in the world we live in. She told me
the story about Satan and how he rebelled against God. He was then
confined to earth and now takes his vengeance out against God on
mankind. He uses evil to resist God and God’s people. Teachers at
church taught me that because I was one of God’s children, Satan
would target me for harm and evil intentions. However, I don’t have to
be defeated by him but be aware that sometimes when bad things
happen it may be coming from him. I can win over his intentions with
Jesus. “You are of God, little children, and have overcome them,
because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world” (I
John 4.4). “Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee
from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you” (James
4.7,8).


My instruction about evil continued. Because of Satan’s rebellion
against God and the disobedience of Adam to God’s commands, evil
has a strong influence on the earth and the world as we know it. This
evil curse affects all of God’s creation, including mankind. The
negative things caused by evil include such things as weeds in my
garden, weather that is destructive, immorality, murders, mistreatment
of people, bad intentions and responses to one another, and disease.
Until the day Jesus returns and corrects all of that, we can expect evil
to continue. Evil, therefore, can happen to us simply because we are
humans living in this world at this time. Bad things can happen to good
people for no fault of their own.

 

MY EXAMPLE
My seven-year-old mind had a lot of questions about what it is really
like to live one’s life and have a personal relationship with God. This is
where my family and church friends came in again. I watched how
they did it. The two people closest to me who demonstrated evidences
of having a personal relationship with Jesus were my mom and her
mother, my grandmother. Regardless of any character or personality
flaws in them that I may have observed over the years as I grew up,

those ladies proved to me that it was possible for Jesus to be a
personal friend. When they talked about Jesus, I could tell He was not
an abstract concept or a theory of religion. He was a real person to
whom they talked and listened often.


My mom’s connection to God was consistent. She would go to Him
during times of hurt, such as when my dad died or we had severe
financial difficulties. She would sing to Him when she was happy in
good times. Her example showed me that I could do that too. And I
did.


MORE CHOICES
My high school years were times of change for our family. Mom
remarried and three more sisters were added to our family. The family
blending process was not always an easy one for me, being the oldest
child. We also moved, I went through puberty, and attended a high
school in another town. I chose to remain consistent in following the
Biblical mindset of God as the sovereign of the universe and Lord of
my life through all these changes. Church was a core part of my life. I
enjoyed hearing teaching from the Bible, singing songs and hymns
about God, following Him, and looking forward to being with Him in
heaven someday.


The summer between my junior and senior year presented me with
another life-changing choice. I had been offered a scholarship to a
leading agricultural university in Iowa. I knew I needed to pray about it,
so after church one evening I stopped at a pasture near our farm
buildings where I prayed often. God spoke back to me saying, “Follow
Me.” He indicated that I was to prepare to officially be in a position to
do things that would promote His message in the world. I said, “Yes.”
The following week I received a catalog in the mail from a Bible
college in Kansas City, Missouri. I chose to turn down the scholarship
and applied to the Bible college instead. I knew that my life was being
directed personally by God and I trusted Him.


My choices were made based on my friendship with Christ. I believed
what He said in the Bible. “Greater love has no one than this, than to

lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do
whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a
servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you
friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known
to you” (John 15.13-15).

 


FAITH CHALLENGED
My years studying at the Bible college were very formidable. As I
increased in knowing what the Bible says and what it means, I
developed a desire to know my Friend better. Trusting Jesus more
and walking by faith became major personal goals. I aspired to the
definition of faith in God that the Apostle Paul spoke about. “First, I
thank my God through Jesus Christ for you all, that your faith is
spoken of throughout the whole world” (Romans 1.8).


Soon, I began to realize that to “walk by faith” included more than just
major choices. It involved how I went about my day-to-day living.
Simple statements began having a deep impact on my approach to
daily living. A quote of unknown origin I have never forgotten is, “If you
were arrested for being a follower of Jesus, would there be enough
evidence to convict you?” Jesus said, “And why do you call me, Lord,
Lord, and not do the things which I say?” (Luke 6.46)


Based on my personal relationship with Jesus, faith and faithfulness
became daily goals in my life. Though much of my daily life was laid
out for me — class and work schedules, job responsibilities, class
requirements and sleeping — I began to realize that I chose much of
how I lived my life. I chose my responses to situations, my attitude
towards people and circumstances; I chose how I spent my money,
what social functions I attended and how well I used my discretionary
time during waking hours. I began to see that my proper or improper
response to errors and mistakes I made was based on whether I was
responding out of faith in God or my selfish desires. Even though my
learning curve seemed huge, I willingly climbed it towards a closer
relationship with God.

 


LIFE GOES ON

Following my college years, life progressed somewhat “normally”
(whatever that is). I got married, received a job assignment, had
children, developed friendships, increased in responsibility both at
work and home, and so on. My wife, Ruth, and I were on a “normal”
course in life, building a career and raising a family of four. We
practiced the lessons learned in trusting God and living in close
relationship with Him in all areas of our life as best we could. We
trusted Him in our finances, parenting, free time, friendships, job roles
and church attendance. He was always faithful. We took to heart, “…
whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of
God” (1 Corinthians 10.31).


My reference to life being “normal” includes ups and downs in life that
happen to all of us. It includes mistakes by each of us in our family.
Disappointments that come financially, professionally and socially are
all integral to our human experience.

 


IN CRISIS
Cancer is not what is usually considered normal. I have heard it said
that “anyone can trust God when things are going good.” But do we
really trust Him when it doesn’t seem like we need Him that much?
We had no clue to what depths the downward spiral would lead us
when Ruth announced that she had found a lump and should make an
appointment with an oncologist. The following weeks and months
were full of challenges, hurts, disappointments and even low-level
mourning.


The lump was an aggressive form of cancer. Treatments included
surgeries, chemotherapy, radiation and constant testing.
Yet, our hope continued to be secure, based on our relationship with
God. Though we desired the security of pain-free life, we trusted Him
more. Believing that pain was a part of human experience and that we
were not exempt from it helped us overcome the bouts of “why me?”
and unfounded feelings of “being punished.”

Our friend Jesus never left us during our down times. We knew that
because He said so. “For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you
nor forsake you.’ So we may boldly say: The Lord is my helper; I will
not fear. What can man do to me?” (Hebrews 13.5,6).


It was true that going through a crisis like cancer was a new thing for
us. We had never experienced such a hard thing before. However,
trusting Jesus in our lives was nothing new and so we kept doing that.
We simply needed to learn how to go through this hard thing. Our pain
and tears were always met with the comfort of our personal
relationship with Jesus Himself.


THE REALIZATION
Trusting God during our hard times did not keep us from sometimes
struggling with our questions.


One afternoon following severe chemotherapy treatments, Ruth was
on the phone with her mother. Ruth asked the “Why me?” question to
her mom. Louise’s response was classic. “Well, Ruthie, why not you?
Up to now your life has been pretty simple and pain free. Why do you
think you should be exempt from hard situations and others not?”
This, of course, agreed with what Jesus Himself said, “In the world
you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the
world” (John 16.33).


Ruth was a nurse. She had seen many, many people in the hospitals
she worked in going through all kinds of physical pain and sufferings.
She knew that her mom was right about many other people
experiencing physical crisis, of all ages and walks of life. It is all a part
of living in this world that has so much influence from evil. Pain and
suffering does seem to be a normal part of human experience. Each
of us somehow hopes it won’t happen to us.

 


DEATH
I had never seen anyone die before. Watching Ruth take her last
breath was shocking. All I could think about was that she actually died!

She was gone. My heart immediately began to hurt in ways I had
never experienced before. Grief encompassed me, suffocating me.
My first response to God was again based on my relationship with Him
up to that time. I called out to Him as a friend for help with my hurt. I
did not lash out at Him as a distant tyrant in the sky who “did this to
me.” He had helped me learn how to handle so many things in my life
so far, I knew He would help me with this grief. And He did.


I would go to the Bible for words of assurance and comfort in times of
hurt. Over the years, since I received so many encouraging messages
from God’s Word, I knew I could count on my Friend to have words of
comfort and purpose as well. I was not disappointed. “Blessed be the
God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and
God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations, that we may
be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with
which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Corinthians 1.3,4).
Ruth’s cancer and death were not a result of her sin, but a “normal”
result of living in a world that is affected by the influence of sin. Just
because we had a relationship with God on a spiritual level did not
exempt us from the regular operation of nature and genetics. God
simply has promised to help us through experiences in life. We trusted
Him for a bigger picture.

 


BIGGER PICTURE
We remembered the account in the Bible where Jesus was asked who
had sinned, causing a man to be blind from birth. He replied, “Neither
this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be
revealed in him” (John 9.3). Jesus went on to heal that man that day.
Ruth’s death was not a defeat. She actually won. You see, she had
the privilege of going to heaven into the very presence of God without
the hassle of living here in a world influenced by evil for the next forty
or so years. Even though I was left with the hole in my soul grieving, I
had the privilege of seeing God use my loss to show others how He
comforts in uncommon ways. A bigger purpose was realized. Many

people have been helped in their journey through life in this evil world
because of our story.


I remember one such example of this. A local pastor stopped me in a
public elevator. He said, “I hope you didn’t mind me using you as an
illustration in my sermon on Sunday.” I looked surprised but indicated
that I was sure it was okay. He went on to explain. “I read your recent
letter about your wife’s illness. I liked your perspective. My point to the
congregation was to show how a follower of Jesus should handle pain
and suffering based on a relationship with Christ. You have shown us
how it’s done.” I was humbled.

 


NEW BEGINNING
Judith and I shared the same Biblical worldview. During our courtship
time we spent hours reviewing our common experiences of going
through the process of suffering and the death of our spouses. We
both had learned how to deal with pain and death from God’s Word
and our personal relationship with Jesus. We were on the same page.
Having a common worldview and relationship with Jesus was
paramount in the development of our unity in dealing with the
challenges of life we faced together in the twenty years that followed.
Blending and finishing raising eight teenagers did indeed have
challenges. Many times we had no place to turn to other than each
other and God when times got tough.


Judith’s physical concerns during the last five years of her life left
many questions in our minds, but none of them shook our trust in
God’s leading and care. God had been so consistent in giving inner
peace and direction to us in so many areas over the years, that we
had no reason to question Him now. We were faithful to walk in the
truth we came across whether it had to do with nutrition or spiritual
dependency on God.


DEATH AGAIN

That day in the hospital when I told Judith she was going to die soon
is etched in my memory. We held each other and sobbed deeply for a
long time. We mourned her death together for several days. Our
assurance of God’s leading, care and closeness did not eliminate our
pain of impending loss. But it did provide a basis for how we faced the
months ahead.


The weeks before Judith’s death provided many opportunities to talk
to family and friends about her “home going” and how God factors in.
Anyone talking to her during those weeks needed to be comfortable
with the topic of life after death because she talked about it freely.


Many people were helped with their viewpoint on Christians going to
heaven and how to view that event by Judith’s conversations. I found
a statement in Judith’s notes that reflected her attitude. “God can get
just as much glory from a sick body as He can from a well one.”
Relief, instead of shock, crossed my mind at Judith’s death. She had
suffered with a lot of pain at the end – and now her pain was over. But
then an overwhelming grief hit me, producing uncontrollable sobbing. I
hurt.


PRAYER
Prayer can play a huge part in the grieving process. Telling the
bereaved that you are praying for them can be of great comfort. It was
for me. My heart ached so bad at times that I found even praying
difficult if not impossible. Comfort crept in as I remembered all the
people who I knew were praying for me. God gave me added
assurance that not only were these people praying for me, but they
were praying on my behalf or literally in my place. This news
increased my peace and freedom to embrace grief fully.


LONELINESS
Following Ruth’s death I still had four kids at home to care for and I
was still teaching at the college. My struggle with loneliness had to
take a back seat many days, oftentimes showing up at night.
However, after Judith’s memorial service I went home to an empty bed

and an empty house. The phone stopped ringing because everyone
knew she was gone. Visitors to the door dwindled to maybe a couple a
week. I found myself wandering around the house only to find another
empty room. The loneliness and silence was deafening. I had never
experienced such aloneness before in my life.


Per my personal practice, I turned to God and His Word for some help
and guidance. I begged God to show me how to cope with the stifling
void.


His answer came to me from the Gospel of John in the Bible which I
had also read following Ruth’s death. This record reveals points about
the last weeks of Jesus’ time and teaching on earth before He went
back to His Father in heaven. I began to see a pattern in the things He
said to the Apostles. “Little children, I shall be with you a little longer”
(13:33). “Where I am going you cannot follow Me now, but you shall
follow Me afterward” (13:36). “I go to prepare a place for you” (14:2).
“These things I have spoken to you while being present with you”
(14:25). “But now I go away to Him who sent Me…” (16:5). Jesus was
talking about His departure to heaven and leaving the disciples alone
on earth. Everything He said in between these statements was
instructions on how to deal with the loneliness.


LONELINESS INTO GODLINESS
I found a series of guidelines from Jesus Himself concerning things I
could do to deal with and even take advantage of my loneliness. I
noticed that Jesus did not instruct to simply sit around and “suck it up.”
He proceeded with guidelines and commands that increased my
relationship with God and literally helped me be more like Him.

His directives in the Gospel of John were basic but clear:
1. Depend on one another (13:34)
2. Stick with your core beliefs (14:1)
3. Remember what you know about heaven (14:2)
4. Don’t forget about My return (14:3)

5. I am the Way to true life (14:4-6) Remember My words (14:10-
12)
6. You can have success (14:12)
7. Pray (14:13-14)
8. Obey My commands (14:15,21,23)
9. The Holy Spirit will help you (14:16-18)
10. Loneliness can help you (14:19,26)
11. Embrace My peace (14:27)
12. Give God glory (14:13; 16:14; 17:1,4)
13. Keep close to Me (15:1-8)


Each of these items was significant to me. Some helped my thinking
clear up. Others eased the torment of my emotions. I would need to
write a chapter per item to explain all of them clearly. That will be left
to be covered in another book and another time.


To illustrate, however, I will review number three: heaven. Jesus
talked about it as if it was a real place He was going to and promised I
could be there too someday. That reality reduced some of my fear of
the unknown about where my loved ones were after death. It also
gave me peace about my future since my death, someday, was as
sure as their death. My mental worries about the “after-life” relaxed
and my emotional concerns regarding my loved ones were soothed.
Hence, my grief was processed more calmly.

 


YOU
To put my conclusion very bluntly, I know my
worldview works because of my lifetime of experience based on God
and His Word. It is with great confidence I can offer this information to
you.   


The fact that you have read all this till now indicates an interest on
your part in the message I am communicating. I sincerely hope and
pray that something I have said here can be a help to you. Also, if you
do not currently have the right relationship with God I have referred to
above, I would like to invite you to begin that now. “For God so loved
the world [you] that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever

[you] believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For
God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but
that the world though Him might be saved” (John 3:16,17).

 

« Point to Ponder »
When you stand before God at your death and He asks you, “Why
should I let you into My heaven?” what will be your answer?

Want to learn how to be a better friend to someone experiencing loss?

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